When Someone Tells You
What do you do when someone says, “I’ve been raped” or “I’ve been sexually assaulted”?
Nobody hands us a script for moments like that. No training. No guidebook. No preparation. Yet what we say - or don’t say - in those first conversations can stay with someone for years.
At M.Y.H, we hear regularly from survivors who can remember word-for-word what was said when they first disclosed what had happened to them. Sometimes those words became a source of comfort. Sometimes they became another layer of hurt.
You don’t need to have all the answers. You just need to know how to listen.
First Things First: Believe Them
Many survivors spend days, months or even years deciding whether to tell someone. When they do, they are often taking a huge risk emotionally.
You don’t need to investigate.
You don’t need to solve the situation.
You don’t need to know exactly what happened.
A simple response such as “thank you for telling me” can be more powerful than you realise.
What Not To Say
Even well-intentioned responses can accidentally cause harm.
Try to avoid:
“Why didn’t you fight back?”
“Why didn’t you leave?”
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“Are you sure that’s what happened?”
“You need to go to the police right now.”
These questions can unintentionally reinforce shame, guilt or pressure at a time when someone may already feel overwhelmed.
Remember: people respond to trauma differently. There is no “correct” way to react to sexual violence.
What You Can Say
You don’t need perfect words.
Simple, supportive ones are often best.
Consider:
“Thank you for trusting me with this.”
“I’m sorry this happened to you.”
“I believe you.”
“You’re not alone.”
“How can I support you right now?”
“We can take this one step at a time.”
The goal isn’t to fix the situation.
It’s to help someone feel safe enough to take their next step.
It’s Their Choice
One of the most important things you can do is return a sense of control.
That means avoiding pressure.
Some people report to the police.
Some access counselling.
Some speak to a Sexual Assault Referral Centre (SARC).
Some tell only a handful of trusted people.
Some aren’t ready to make any decisions immediately.
Supporting someone doesn’t mean making choices for them.
It means helping them understand the options available.
You Don’t Need To Be An Expert
Many people worry they’ll say the wrong thing.
The truth is that most survivors aren’t looking for expertise.
They’re looking for someone who will:
Listen.
Stay calm.
Avoid judgement.
Respect their choices.
Be there.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is:
“I don’t know exactly what to say, but I’m here, and I’m listening.”
M.Y.H Takeaway
We often talk about what happens in courtrooms, police stations and support services. But for many survivors, the first response doesn’t come from a professional. It comes from a friend. A partner. A parent. A colleague. A single conversation can’t undo trauma.
But it can remind someone that they don’t have to carry it alone. Because being heard starts with someone choosing to listen.
Need support? If you’ve experienced sexual violence, you can find information about reporting options, SARCs, the Victims’ Code and specialist support services throughout the M.Y.H Noticeboard and Know Your Rights sections.
