Finding My Voice
WHERE IT ALL BEGAN
My journey toward hope and empowerment began when fate brought me into contact with an extraordinary journalist. This encounter was somewhat serendipitous, taking place on a September afternoon in 2019, nearly two and a half years after I reported being raped. While cleaning the windows of my flat and tuning into BBC Radio 4's Woman's Hour, I stumbled upon an interview featuring Claire Waxman, the Victim's Commissioner for London. Intrigued by her mission to overhaul the criminal justice system and improve the experiences of victims, I felt an immediate connection. Little did I know that this moment would set a transformative journey in motion, redefining my purpose. Claire Waxman's role as London's Victims Commissioner, coupled with her personal experience as a victim of stalking, really resonated with me. I reached out to her, driven by the desire to share the challenges I faced with the police during my ordeal. The issues I encountered with the police felt overwhelming and impactful, and I knew I had to share my story to prevent others from enduring similar experiences.
Within a few weeks, I found myself at City Hall, engaging in an open and candid conversation with Claire. It was a comforting and safe atmosphere where I could finally express my feelings and experiences. During our discussion, Claire mentioned her recent contact with a BBC journalist working on the Victoria Derbyshire show, which aimed to explore the experiences of rape victims. Leaving City Hall, I felt heard and reassured that Claire and her office would be available to offer support throughout this journey. Discovering Claire and her office became my lifeline, offering me an impartial perspective and invaluable guidance when needed. Through Claire's connection, I was introduced to BBC journalist Emma Ailes. After exchanging a few emails, Emma contacted me, and I quickly discovered an exceptional individual who was genuinely passionate about sharing stories like mine. Her unwavering determination and compassion were evident from the outset. Before this, I had never spoken to a journalist, and while I might have shared too much initially, Emma created a safe and trusting environment where I could be open. Her approach was unlike any other, as she took the time to understand me personally. This connection was unique, and I felt fortunate to have found someone I could trust to share my story with the world.
Over the next three years, we embarked on a transformative journey of filming. Initially, the documentary was intended to follow a number of victims whose cases were heading to court, a rare occurrence given the statistics. Little did we know that my quest for justice would take many unexpected turns. Having the BBC team alongside me was a blessing that allowed me to explore my thoughts and feelings at every step. This process gave me an outlet to connect with myself and navigate the highs and lows of my journey. The opportunity to decompress, rationalise, and express my frustrations in real-time provided much-needed grounding when everything seemed out of control. I hoped the documentary would resonate with others facing similar challenges, reminding them they are not alone. The isolation that often accompanies trauma can plunge people into despair, and my mission was to shed light on the flaws within the criminal justice system, especially within the Crown Prosecution Service, and ensure that no one else had to endure the same pain I did.
I received mixed responses when I shared my decision to waive my anonymity and release a documentary with the BBC with family and friends. Some questioned why I would want to speak out, fearing it would impact my future and career. They wondered why I would expose myself after such a traumatic experience, questioning whether such a personal ordeal should remain private. Reflecting on the moment I embarked on this journey, I am still uncertain about what triggered my desire to share my story. Perhaps it was when I stopped using alcohol and drugs to suppress the emotions surrounding the trauma. Empowered by newfound strength, I felt a deep calling to speak up and invite a journalist to join me. With the support of a psychologist and regular check-ins, I decided to share my story, fully aware of the risks involved. My trial could have been jeopardised if anyone discovered our work, but despite this, I trusted my gut and knew this was the right decision. With unwavering conviction, I never looked back.
Working with a journalist to share such an intimate and traumatic story required clear communication and effective management of expectations from the outset. We faced ups and downs, and there were moments when we wondered if the documentary would ever be released. Yet, our shared passion for exposing victims' struggles in their pursuit of justice kept us moving forward. Despite the uncertainties, we remained committed to telling this crucial story. The completion of the documentary marked a moment of immense pride. Three years of filming resulted in a vast amount of footage, much of which could not be included. However, my story was told in a way that truly captured the challenges of seeking justice. Emma and her team exhibited empathy, compassion, and professionalism, capturing my most intimate moments and leaving an impact for which I will be eternally grateful.
From the outset, I knew there were no guarantees. The feature might not have been commissioned, and I had to manage my expectations. What mattered most was finding a journalist who was open, honest, and genuinely there for me. Boundaries were set, but Emma made it feel like I was speaking to a trusted friend. She created a safe space where the cameras felt like an extension of her understanding, not an intrusive element. As we grew more familiar, I even began to expect her fashionably late arrivals, but her candidness and openness transformed our interactions into a familial bond. Emma and her team became an extension of me, sharing my story with their creativity and storytelling expertise. It provided a platform when I felt silenced and abandoned by the criminal justice system.
This journey revealed my strength and resilience, showing that trauma survivors can rise above their circumstances and find empowerment through sharing their stories. It is a testament to the power of empathy, understanding, and the unwavering desire to bring about change. As my story reaches others, I hope it can inspire courage in those facing similar struggles. May it ignite conversations that shatter the silence, leading to a more compassionate and just society. Together, we can make a difference, one brave voice at a time.
