An anonymous survivor's open letter to the judge who presided over their rape trial, reflecting on the lasting harm of rape myths left unchallenged in court
By Victim-survivor A
Four years after their trial, one survivor reflects on the questions that have stayed with them, the stereotypes they were subjected to, and the lasting impact of a courtroom experience that left them questioning themselves.
In this powerful open letter, they ask a question that deserves an answer: when rape myths are allowed to go unchallenged, who is held accountable for the harm they leave behind?
Shared anonymously with Make Yourself Heard.
Dear District Judge X,
I often wonder whether you remember my trial. Whether you remember me, the person. And whether you know that those rape myths, that you allowed in your court, stuck with me and made me question myself for years.
I wonder whether you saw a frightened 23-year-old, young and abused at all, or only the composed 29-year-old in front of you, who used humour to deflect and get through something deeply traumatic.
I wonder why I was made to sit through my own video-recorded evidence in court, and what you were looking for as you watched.
I wonder what went through your mind when you heard how much older he was, and that he had offered to support me. I wonder what you thought when you heard I stayed for three years.
I wonder what you thought when it was said that I was promiscuous, that I enjoyed sex, that I used sex toys, as though any of that could make me less deserving of protection.
I wonder what you made of the eight months I waited to report. Or the mental conditions they said I had, that I was never diagnosed with.
I wonder whether the myths put to me made you doubt I was a victim, because I didn’t cry and I didn’t scream.
I wonder whether you noticed I was blindsided by evidence that had nothing to do with the case.
Most of all, I wonder why you didn't stop any of it.
I wonder whether you remember me. Whether you know what that trial did to me. Or whether I was just another case to get through.
And I wonder if you know now, four years later, that so many of the things that were said were rape myths, and whether you have educated yourself, taught yourself, and are doing a better job now.
I wish I could tell you that it's taken me years to recover. I’ve had attempts on my life, and I did think it was all my own fault. I should have been a better victim. I should have screamed and cried. And I blamed myself for not recognising the abuse earlier.
But I know now, four years later, that it was ok for me to take time to recover before I reported. I know that it’s ok for me to have sex with other people, and maybe even use a toy. And I know now that I didn’t deserve to be abused and raped. And I hope you do too.
Victim-survivor A
